Micro-infidelity: the new kind of infidelity you commit without knowing it

If it’s a kiss, even a short one, is it bad?

Is fooling around in a disco, even if nothing happens, cheating?

And what about being ‘unfaithful in thinking’?

Instead of providing solutions to these answers, at PlayGround we have come up with new questions, because that is just how we are, we like to see the world burn.

Now we must not only ask ourselves what infidelity is. A new term has developed on the Internet that psychologists have already dared to explain: micro-infidelity.

WHAT IS MICRO-INFIDELITY?

«You might be engaging in micro-cheating if you secretly connect with another guy/girl on social media; if you share private jokes; if you downplay the seriousness of your relationship to another guy/girl; or if you enter their name under a code in your phone,» Australian psychologist Melanie Schilling explained to the Daily Mail.» «These are all signs that you are conducting a ‘covert flirtation’ and keeping it from your partner. If you feel you have something to hide, ask yourself why.»

Okay, maybe that’s where Melanie hit the nail on the head. Who has not ever felt a little guilty when chatting or commenting on someone you are attracted to social media? The phrase or the conversation may be innocent, but they are still born of an interest that goes beyond mere friendship.

– What is demisexuality and how does it differ from asexuality?

For Melanie, the easiest way to discover if your partner is being micro-unfaithful is, precisely, to have an eye on whether he is keeping secrets.

«Micro-cheating is a subtle betrayal and it needs secrecy to fuel its fire.” – Melanie Schilling

«If your partner is having private conversations or online chats that he/she quickly shuts down when you enter the room; if they are reaching out to an ex to mark an anniversary or other significant shared, intimate event; perhaps they are offering compliments to other guys/girls that they don’t say to you; or maybe they meet up with someone of the opposite sex under the guise of a business meeting, when you discover no business was actually done… these are all signs to look out for.»

Obvious problem: the boundaries between friendship and micro-infidelity can be fuzzy at best. Although Melanie assures that it is easy to differentiate them, precisely because of what she commented previously: «It is the secrecy and deception that accompanies this communication that defines micro-infidelity.»

Platonic relationships are not a problem, unless they are sneakily taken together.

«Your partner can have a perfectly platonic relationship with a friend and can be open when it comes to talking with him and seeing him. This should not raise an alarm. However, if he starts to hide things from you about his relationship or to lie to you about it, then he begins to ask you how appropriate his connection is.»

HOW TO TALK ABOUT MICRO-INFIDELITY WITH YOUR PARTNER?

Unlike what we would expect from a professional on the subject, Melanie gives us the same advice that our friends would give us in one of those emergency assemblies in the cafeteria on duty when «you don’t want to dramatize, but you are noticing your boyfriend acting weird»: Melanie says we trust our instincts.

«You have intuition for a reason and it tells you when things are not right. If things don’t add up, if you catch your partner in a lie, if they are behaving in a strange way, bring it up.»

Man, Melanie, yes, but with this speech you are also feeding all the paranoias and the pathological jealousy of the place, just saying.

«The key here is to be objective and rational, rather than subjective and emotional. Slinging empty accusations and insults will get you nowhere,»

Well, okay, this does make more sense. Fair enough. If he hits you on the nose for a reason, broach the subject. But if you’re compulsively rummaging for who’s following and commenting on Instagram, trying to read their conversations, and suspecting all of their friends, you’ve got a problem.

– She is Samantha Ramsdell, an artist who (inadvertently) broke the record for the world’s largest mouth

To avoid a fight, Melanie explains how to raise the issue without throwing tantrums or daggers. The key? Be very specific about the behaviors you have observed and explain how they have made you feel.

«For example, ‘When you spent an hour on the phone to your ex during our date-night dinner I felt left-out and pretty useless. I’d prefer it if you focused on me during our special nights together’ or ‘When you add all the heart emojis in her/his post comments it makes me feel like she/he is your partner, rather than me. Next time, it would be great if you could reserve the online love for me.»

Where is the line between your paranoia and your partner being an inconsiderate person with three pairs of balls?

With micro-infidelities, as in the horns of a lifetime, the limits can only be set by you.